How 2 Weeks of Low-Carb Eating Bestows Upon You an Unsound Mind

chocolate-peanutbutter

1. Make your own peanut butter so that it is without sugar. Eat it with celery sticks. Yummy. Really. It is only the second day, you are not insane yet. Great mouthfeel and instant satisfaction. You love your handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment.

2. Eat this as a snack or any time you like for a couple of days. Eat a lot of vegetables, fish and poultry. Avoid any starches. As you, on a Sunday noon, eat a perfect 500g piece of grilled meat, your husband stares at you with a strange look (he only has a 300g chunk in front of him – and a baked potato and garlic bread, none of which you have) and says “you are to pity, my poor wife, that is one hard diet you are going through there”. “Why,” you think, “of course it is. I want some carbs!”

3. Think you can improve your peanut butter with a variety of nuts. Make a peanut-cashew-macademia butter. Eeeewww, not good. But you still love your handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment.

4. You crave something sweet. Specifically chocolate. Does it have anything to do with the death-by-chocolate cake from Sarah Wiener? No! Does Sebastian’s post about his version of it and the following discussion have anything to do with the craving? No!

5. Didn’t you read about a chocolate-peanut butter sometime ago? Where was it?

6. Ah, here.

7. Hmm, Clotilde used real chocolate. You don’t want to use chocolate because it has sugar in it, although this is 72% chocolate.

8. Oh, but wait, doesn’t she say she initially wanted to do it with cacao? Yes! You have cacao at home, so give it a try. Cacao doesn’t have any sugar.

9. You are so secure of your not-following-the-recipe-but-still-creating-something-yummy qualities that you give 200g of peanuts along with a generous shake of cacao and some spices. You are so good, this is going to be yummy. Don’t you adore your handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment?

10. Yuck! Never, ever, have I concocted something this terrible in my whole life. This smells like… I don’t know. Yuck.

11. You exercise yourself in humility. You dump the first batch. You start again. You measure the stated amount of peanuts, do some research on the net as to how much cacao would give the effect of 40g of 72% chocolate. You are real careful this time. You wait with the spices. Let’s first see how this goes.

12. Oh my god, this is terrible. How can Clotilde be putting such a recipe on her blog? Hasn’t anyone tried it yet? This smells like kerosene.

13. Actually, maybe there is a reason Clotilde didn’t do this with cacao after all. Maybe I should try it with chocolate after all.

14. You dump the second batch. You start yet again. These days you have an infinite supply of peanuts at home, as they are allowed on your diet.

15. Now follow the recipe real careful. Peanuts, 125g, check. Chocolate, 72%, 40g, check. Just a touch of Piment d’Espelette, check. Start grinding.

16. This takes some time. I just love my handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment. It feels so good in your hand. So sleek but powerful. And so warm. Almost hot. Is this supposed to be so hot? Wait, what is this smell again?

17. Stop grinding. The chocolate-peanut butter looks divine, if still a bit grainy. But this same smell again, as in the earlier tries. Take a spoonful. Do the math as to how much sugar you are eating with that spoonful.

18. The 0,4g sugar works wonders: In the same instance as you are thinking “this tastes sooo good!” you realize it is not the chocolate-peanut butter that smells like yuck. You sniff the piece of your lovely handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment that holds the engine. There! It smells like burned plastic! That was what smelled so yucky all the time, not the batches and batches of kakao-peanut butter!

19. You decide that to function properly, you have to eat some sugar every once in a while. This chocolate-peanut butter is divine. Tomorrow you will buy a new handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment. It won’t be the same brand this time.