How 2 Weeks of Low-Carb Eating Bestows Upon You an Unsound Mind

chocolate-peanutbutter

1. Make your own peanut butter so that it is without sugar. Eat it with celery sticks. Yummy. Really. It is only the second day, you are not insane yet. Great mouthfeel and instant satisfaction. You love your handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment.

2. Eat this as a snack or any time you like for a couple of days. Eat a lot of vegetables, fish and poultry. Avoid any starches. As you, on a Sunday noon, eat a perfect 500g piece of grilled meat, your husband stares at you with a strange look (he only has a 300g chunk in front of him – and a baked potato and garlic bread, none of which you have) and says “you are to pity, my poor wife, that is one hard diet you are going through there”. “Why,” you think, “of course it is. I want some carbs!”

3. Think you can improve your peanut butter with a variety of nuts. Make a peanut-cashew-macademia butter. Eeeewww, not good. But you still love your handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment.

4. You crave something sweet. Specifically chocolate. Does it have anything to do with the death-by-chocolate cake from Sarah Wiener? No! Does Sebastian’s post about his version of it and the following discussion have anything to do with the craving? No!

5. Didn’t you read about a chocolate-peanut butter sometime ago? Where was it?

6. Ah, here.

7. Hmm, Clotilde used real chocolate. You don’t want to use chocolate because it has sugar in it, although this is 72% chocolate.

8. Oh, but wait, doesn’t she say she initially wanted to do it with cacao? Yes! You have cacao at home, so give it a try. Cacao doesn’t have any sugar.

9. You are so secure of your not-following-the-recipe-but-still-creating-something-yummy qualities that you give 200g of peanuts along with a generous shake of cacao and some spices. You are so good, this is going to be yummy. Don’t you adore your handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment?

10. Yuck! Never, ever, have I concocted something this terrible in my whole life. This smells like… I don’t know. Yuck.

11. You exercise yourself in humility. You dump the first batch. You start again. You measure the stated amount of peanuts, do some research on the net as to how much cacao would give the effect of 40g of 72% chocolate. You are real careful this time. You wait with the spices. Let’s first see how this goes.

12. Oh my god, this is terrible. How can Clotilde be putting such a recipe on her blog? Hasn’t anyone tried it yet? This smells like kerosene.

13. Actually, maybe there is a reason Clotilde didn’t do this with cacao after all. Maybe I should try it with chocolate after all.

14. You dump the second batch. You start yet again. These days you have an infinite supply of peanuts at home, as they are allowed on your diet.

15. Now follow the recipe real careful. Peanuts, 125g, check. Chocolate, 72%, 40g, check. Just a touch of Piment d’Espelette, check. Start grinding.

16. This takes some time. I just love my handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment. It feels so good in your hand. So sleek but powerful. And so warm. Almost hot. Is this supposed to be so hot? Wait, what is this smell again?

17. Stop grinding. The chocolate-peanut butter looks divine, if still a bit grainy. But this same smell again, as in the earlier tries. Take a spoonful. Do the math as to how much sugar you are eating with that spoonful.

18. The 0,4g sugar works wonders: In the same instance as you are thinking “this tastes sooo good!” you realize it is not the chocolate-peanut butter that smells like yuck. You sniff the piece of your lovely handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment that holds the engine. There! It smells like burned plastic! That was what smelled so yucky all the time, not the batches and batches of kakao-peanut butter!

19. You decide that to function properly, you have to eat some sugar every once in a while. This chocolate-peanut butter is divine. Tomorrow you will buy a new handheld one-legged mixer/blender with the cutter attachment. It won’t be the same brand this time.

8 Responses

  1. I laughed until it hurt. Didn’t know you were a comedian. :)

  2. Oh Hande, I didn’t want that! But it’s great fun to follow the adventures of food vagabond and her handheld, the world of the diets is still strange for me (as your title was, I had to go for the dictionary, and, no, I really didn’t want that.) By the way, how do you make peanut butter? Like Colette? And she has made a cookbook as I see.

  3. Chris,
    great I made you laugh. I am not very funny most of the time, but this tragi-comedy, as it happened, shouted to be written like this.
    Sebastian,
    sorry the title was not so clear for you. I just wanted to say that two weeks without sugar can make you insane and you can’t think properly and are not able to see the obvious. Peanut butter I make just like Clotilde wrote sometime ago: Put peanuts in a blender and don’t stop too early, the peanuts go through the stages crumble, flour and finally creamy butter. Adjust salt. Done!

  4. Lol – great story!

  5. To save you some of the work – there is (at least in my part of the world – Hamburg) great natural no-sugar peanut butter available in health food stores, by brand of Rapunzel

    Thanks for sharing and a BIG smile :-)

  6. Cascabel and Foodfreak,
    you are welcome! I remember looking at the ingredientslist of Rapunzel and seeing hydrogenated palm oil, but I might be confusing it with another brand. Will check again.

  7. oh hande *hugs*… you’re very courageous to go without sugar… i would have suffer through worse if i had to do that…

  8. Foodfreak,
    today I was in the Alnatura supermarket here in Stuttgart and found a pure “erdnuss-muß” (alnatura brand), along with various other nut “muß” from demeter. They are all only the nut istelf, without sugar, salt, oil, whatever. Bought a whole collection! There was no rapunzel nutbutters in this market.
    Lil,
    thank you, it helps! Have to admit that the cravings are not completely gone, but there are always sugar substitutes (although I don’t want to use them a lot) and/or a piece of high percentage chocolate, which I like more, anyways!

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